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Kristen Parer

Help me reach my goal of $5,000

Why I swim

I’m swimming this March to remember Elizabeth in one of her happiest places. Every lap I swim is directly for my mental health. If that inspires you to donate, together we can help ensure a safe place for young people to turn when life feels overwhelming.

Swimmer

Elizabeth loved to swim.  A bad day would be completely turned around after an evening in the pool.  She was never fast.  She lamented becoming the oldest still going to swimming lessons and yet so slow.  But she could swim forever.  

I'm going to do my best to swim each day in March.  Something that will connect me with Elizabeth.  Something to help me get through her birthday on the 7th and to get me through this month.  It may not be much.  My fitness is pretty much the lowest it has ever been.  But perhaps it will help me return to the pool that I loved as a kid, at a time when I need it physically and emotionally.  

Please support this organisation that looks to support youth like Elizabeth, that is there for her friends if they need it.

Please support me by giving me a reason to show up, to do something concrete.  A tiny step forward.

My Swim Progress

Completed

22.68km (454 laps)

My goal

3km

Please help Kristen
reach their goal for
youth mental health

Raised

$8,651

My Goal

$5,000

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My Impact

Impact

So far I’ve raised $8,651 to provided 2162.6925 young people experiencing mental health difficulties with vital support.

Top Donation

Donation top

$528

Kath T

Shoutout to Kath T – my biggest supporter so far with a $528 donation to help young people get the mental health support they need through ReachOut!

Funds Raised

Note: displays max previous 3 years of fundraising only

My Updates

Final week fog
Well, we are into the final week.  I swam another 1.5km.  

To be honest I am feeling quite flat.  Have you ever travelled a really long way only to find you still can't see where you are trying to get to?  You can't even be sure that it is there?

I'm ready for this to wind up.  But I haven't given up yet.  I have a plan for the next two days' swims.  The four days after that feel more difficult.  But that is why I am taking this one day at a time.  

___

Apparently all donations tomorrow are doubled - but you guys have already been super generous... 
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A two swim day
This is Heather.  She taught both my kids to swim at various times.  And now she's taught me as well.  

Heather is one of those amazing people who can transform an anxious, resistant kid into a comedian with confidence in the water.  

It was good to close the loop and get her tips today.  I probably only did about 8 laps with Heather, so I headed back to the pool this afternoon to get another kilometre in.  In that second swim a few things clicked.  Suddenly all the things Heather said came together and made a new kind of sense.  A bit like suddenly seeing the image in one of those magic eye pictures.  Everything is there, floating around, but it just takes a slight shift to turn into something meaningful.
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Making it possible
Today was my biggest swim yet - 2.05km.

But this is only possible because you are doing it along side me.  You are reading my ramblings, posting comments, giving me a thumbs up.  You are swimming along side me, on the team or joining in spirit.  You are donating more than I could ever have imagined.  But most of all you are just there.

Thank you.

~~~~~

Here is a picture of a self-sewn tree we had high hopes for.   It fell over but it's not done yet (yep - more metaphors) - see the fresh vertical shoots?  

It is covered in flowers and humming with bees.  I'm looking forward to collecting a huge crop of seed at ground level.  I'm a little sad because I was hoping it was a Mountain Grey Gum - which is harder to find at the indigenous nurseries if you haven't pre-ordered them - but, it is a Mountain Ash.  According to the vegetation maps, Mountain Ash aren't part of the vegetation type for our slope.  However - this was self sewn and clearly exists here - so our block may be acquiring several more Mountain Ash in the future...
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Life Guard
Every day brings something different.  Today it was the lifeguard.  I was first through the gate and I saw the flicker of the life guard's smile and her fiery hair.  This was one of Elizabeth's school friends.  She became a qualified life guard at the end of last year through the school Life Saving program.  Elizabeth had been really looking forward to this subject.  It was something tangible.  Something that made sense and had purpose.  

So I was a bit of a mess through my first half a dozen laps this morning.  With 22 days in a row of swimming, I have had plenty of opportunity to determine that breaststroke is far superior to freestyle when you are a sobbing wreck.

I managed 50 33m laps today.  My longest swim yet.  This when I have also discovered my iron levels are low and my thyroid continues to pack up shop.  At least this there are tangible steps to take for this type of exhaustion.

*pictured lifeguard is a random stock photo 
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Not staying quiet
Kathi and SJ made the trek out to see me today.  They brought food, they brought projects to work on.  They brought support.  They brought firm and loving encouragement for me to do 'hard things' that are burning a hole in my psyche.  

We drank tea. We talked. Kathi made delicious rolls and they took me to the pool to swim.  And almost as if it were planned - three other swimmers from the team were also there.  

Once again, community, love and support.

One of the important agenda items for today was debuting these t-shirts from Mount Vic and Me.  

This t-shirt resonates for me, because there is a lot I'm angry about.  And it feels like the world is determined to continue dishing out more and more.

I am not a believer in hiding anger.  Nor do I want to sit with an anger that festers and consumes me.  I do want to speak out where I don't think things are right.  I want to learn and getting a better understanding of what underlies our broken systems.  I want to act where I can, where I have capacity.  

And you know what - there is community in finding people who don't want to remain passive in the face of injustice.  There is positivity in acting to improve things.  

Laps for Life is exactly this.  
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Before the sun
At the pool by 6:15am - it had to be done once.  And there is a chance we will do it again before the month is out.  Alice had it summed up when she said, 'I don't hate it.'  Because really, I should have been asleep, it was dark and,  while it could have been colder, it wasn't warm.

But the water was warm.  It was actually a great start to the day with so many of our team members.  In addition to those in the photo we also had Carolyn, Zoe and Kate. 

There was plenty of time to swim, chat, have something to eat and all with people able to get to work and school.

Here we are, stepping outside our comfort zones and finding that - well - it isn't that uncomfortable.
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Metaphor
60 laps in a pool all to myself with no pressure.  There were no classes coming in, no appointments to get to and no-one to pick up.  

No reason whatsoever to stop swimming.

Almost.

Today I felt it a bit at the 20 lap mark.  My knee would twinge, and my elbows and shoulders felt crunchy.  I could hear so many voices telling me to be gentle with myself.  That it is fine to stop.  That turning up is enough.

I chose something different.  I chose both.  Be gentle AND keep going.  I would adjust my kick and within a few strokes the twinge would settle.  In my last 20 laps I reduced the pull on my arms - and the joints settled.  I removed efficiency, and speed and gained the ability to keep going.  

Because one way or another I have to keep going.
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My local pool
Today it was forecast to be over 25 degrees so the Belgrave pool was not only open for laps 6am-9am but also this afternoon 3pm-6pm.  This is what shoulder season looks like.

So this is:
Why my local pool is important to me (and, why I wish the opening hours were extended in shoulder season)

- My pool is close to my home.
- It is much easier to fit a swim in around school drop-offs and pick-ups, shopping, appointments and life in general.
- The outdoor pool gives me fresh air
- Today I swam with ducks
- The sun plays on and in the water
- My shadow swims with me
- Almost every swim I see someone I know
- I experience community and belonging
- I see teens every afternoon I am there, who come straight from school, enjoying independence, exercise and friendship
- The pool is surrounded by grass and trees and the borrowed landscape of parkland
- It is 33m long - it isn't trying to conform - it is just silly and I love it
- The pool drops to 2.7m deep, giving that feeling of freedom
- The pool has a history, with so many stories and memories
- It isn't over scheduled with formal events
- It can be oh so quiet, or bustling with laughter and splashing
- Theoretically - I could watch the sunrise while I swim
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A bit of a boost
50 laps in 45 minutes.  I must have had a boost from the this article that was published today.

I'm so proud of the effort the whole team is putting in and wanted to make sure that was celebrated and that people hear about it.  We still have a way to go for the month - this is a great motivator to keep the energy up.

Thanks for all your support.
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Hump day
Another 40 laps today and we have officially passed the halfway mark.  There is hope yet for a future without selfies and endless musings on swimming.

So Far...

- I've swum every day for 16 days
- I've swum a total of 10.31km
- You've raised $7,160 contributing to the 'Swim for Elizabeth' team total of $13,588.  While we are at it, let's add in the $3,033 of 'Paul Sadler Swimland Rowville' team who are also swimming in Elizabeth's honour.  That is an incredible $16,621!

So what has changed...
- I no longer feel like all my joints are floating around unsupported.
- I'm noticing some muscle tone in my arms and legs.
- I no longer think of my stroke as chaotic, but more as self-styled.
- I am starting to notice the difficulty in scheduling swims with restricted pool hours in the shoulder season, dodging school groups and fitting into other life events.

It still feels like a long way to go - but I'm here for another 15 days doing the thing.  I hope you will stick with me.
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Pool party
Another 30 laps today.

Lots of thoughts today, but not a lot to say.

Here is a photo from Elizabeth's 10th birthday which she celebrated with a pool party.
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Morning Swim ~ By Amy Parer
Today I swam 30 laps.  I swam it with Amy.  I swam it with Elizabeth.  I swam it with my shadow on the bottom of the pool.

I am lucky that I met Amy a couple of times, long before Darren and I got together.  There were a couple of Uni choir rehearsals and once when she encouraged me along to a meeting for something she was passionate about.  But that year I was at the Creswick campus, near Ballarat and didn't cross paths again.

Amy died in a car accident at age 19.  I just know she would have been the most amazing Aunty.  I think She and Elizabeth would have got along so well.  

Today I thought about all of the laps of the pool that they should have shared together.

I want to share with you a poem that Amy wrote and had published as part of a writers' workshop in 1998.

~~~

Morning Swim

This morning I went swimming
I stretched my creaking joints,
And arched my stiff self,
But the ripples grew so violent - 

I was apt to bruise myself
Against their obstinate edges.
Soft? They were more like the punching bag,
Absorbing every kick unmoving.

For my first few laps
The water was soft,
There were holes in its armour
For me to pass through.

Passages like tracks cut through dense bush,
Easing the way of the walker,
Knowledge like that which lets solids
Dissolve in your hands

As I continued, the gaps became smaller
And vines grew over my jungle tracks.
Covered and hidden, shrouded in leaves
You wouldn't have known they were there at all

Up and down,
Thirty times I did it,
Afraid to stop lest
I couldn't start again

My rhythm was metronomic,
My limbs joined and parted
In place of the musician's pendulum,
Swinging to and fro, beating dispassionately.

After thirty lengths of the slow lane,
My eerie blue forest,
I glided to a halt that was less than
Screeching:
In fact, it was silent.

Not like the train that stops in a hurry,
Squealing, protesting, struggling
For stillness.
I simply ran out of steam.

I slowed,
I stopped moving:
Floating motionless
In the shallow end of the pool.
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40 laps in 44 minutes
I got to Monbulk pool today.  It was open and the electricity was on.  I had the whole pool to myself.  

In looking for a quiet pocket of the day, I think I have found a new motivational tool of squeezing my swim up against school pick-up time.  I did the first 20 laps.  I could get another 10 in for sure.  Come on! just get to 40, pick the pace up!

Next time I had better bring a t-shirt with me as I was cutting it fine to get home on the way to school.  And I don't think the teen would be too pleased with me showing up like this...

Twice now, I have noticed a tingling sensation over my whole face and hands as I drive home.  It isn't irritating like pins and needles, but soft, diffuse and pleasant, like a glow that stays with you.  If I could make that happen every time, I would.
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It's all about not stopping too soon
Today was almost a non-starter.  The local pool is in shoulder season and today the forecast was too cold for it to be open in the afternoon.  

I wasn't looking forward to figuring out a different pool.  But Monbulk isn't too far away.  I got it together despite the cold and drove out there only to find the pool had fallen victim to that old hills classic, the power outage.

That was nearly it.  I got home and dissolved.  This was where it was all going to come unravelled.  It wasn't fair.  I am trying so hard.

I'm not sure how.  But I managed to regroup and make the half hour drive to Casey ARC.  I felt dreadful.  But as I walked down the ramp to the pool, it occurred to me that this was the last place I had swum with both my kids together.  Casey ARC had been a favourite with the froggy slide when they were small and later, the wave pool where we could bob around in the swell.

That last trip was one of those days when you're putting in an effort to connect with your older kids.  To do something together.  And I think they enjoyed the trip.  For me though, it really belongs in my post on minor pool injuries.  There I was playing their games and trying to get involved.  One attempt to dive down and swim between Paul's legs and I hit the bottom of the pool and chipped my tooth.  So I was left with pain and worry about my tooth and that really took away from the rest of that visit.

But today I managed 40 25m laps - my first verifiable kilometre (no mis-counting this time).  The last couple of swims I have noticed that I actually feel stronger after around 10 laps.  It reminded me that Elizabeth often found that it would take her a kilometre of swimming to find her rhythm.  

So I guess today is about gently persisting.  When the pool is closed.  When the stroke is awkward.  Not all the time.  But sometimes.  

Photo: awkward selfie showing chipped tooth at the responsible pool.
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The best worst club
For a moment there, the pool was all mine.  I did at least 30 laps (just shy of 1km in the 33m pool), and possibly up to 34 laps.  Counting is clearly not my forte and was definitely my downfall when I used to play violin.

So, what of my distance goal of 3km for the whole month now that I am doing so many laps?  I have decided not to change the goal. My goal is about turning up every day, not how far I go.  I am leaving the 3 km goal in place, partly as a symbol of the fragility of participation.  It is there to remind me how difficult choosing to do this was.  It is also there, for each day things feel difficult, as a reminder that just getting in the water is enough.  Because every day is hard.  Every day there is a new decision to do this, to continue.  And at the end of the month - I will be able to see just how far I came.

Last night I joined in a zoom meeting set up by Jesuit Social Services under the Support After Suicide program.  It was a new group for parents who had lost adolescents in the last 12 or so months.  I think there were around a dozen of us, with a few others who weren't able to make it that day.  It is horrific to be faced with others suffering this grief, faced with having to keep going each day, figuring out how to parent remaining children, battling the crushing exhaustion.  It is horrific - but also validating.  
Waiting for things to kick off, you sit there looking at a screen of strangers, anxiously wondering whether this is a good idea.  Within minutes the connection is intense.  It is as if there isn't a thing you could say that is weird, or outside of their experience.  You don't have to explain, or hide incredibly challenging experiences.  Because someone, if not everyone, there had felt exactly the same.  
The best worst club you never want to be a member of.
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Queen of the minor swimming injury
This afternoon I stumbled upon the gang.  Persephone and Saartje were already swimming laps, joined quickly by Lylah and a couple of her friends.  I assume they all came straight from school.

I got 20 laps in.  I spent the whole time either collecting my limbs on another swimmer or cramming myself over to the side of the lane and bashing against the lane ropes.  
Actually, that is one thing the Altona pool had going for it - wider lanes.

This got me thinking about minor pool injuries.  As a kid we would most often swim at Harold Holt Swimming Pool - that monument to brutalist architecture and, well, trying not to drown.  It was in the days when we thought you had to wait for an hour after eating before you could swim.  I would suck down so much pool water that I would leave with a tummy ache from all the chlorine.  Mum hit upon giving me buttered bread to eat after swimming 'to soak up the chlorine'.  It did the trick every time.  I'm still not sure whether Mum really believed in the science of buttered bread or whether it was one of those things you say in desperation as a parent and then don't question when it makes the sad child better.

Elizabeth had a litany of swimming related injuries.  Mostly cuts.  I think there was almost never a swim where she didn't cut a finger or toe.  It seemed that if a pool had a sharp tile she was absolutely going to it find every single time.  Almost a metaphor for her ability to see rough edges and difficulties that people were experiencing when everything looked calm on the surface.

Her other stand out injury was a hair related injury when training for her distance swim.  Of all things it was the end of her plait that gave her a friction burn from turning her head in the same direction to breathe over several kilometres of swimming.  

Yep she definitely had a talent for impossible minor injuries.  One of those in-jokes that I miss.

** I forgot to take a photo today - so here is one from the pool in Altona - the place to go for superior lane width.
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Ticking the box
Today was a big day out at Steamrail Victoria's Newport Workshop open day.  Getting my swim in was going to be tricky so I packed up my gear and took it with me.

I've got used to going to the Belgrave pool.  I have it all pared back to make it as simple as possible. I don't need cash to get in, I go there in my bathers and I wrap my towel around and go home soggy.  

I wasn't looking forward to going to a different pool.  So it was my lucky day to find that it was just me there waiting when the pool opened at 10am.  That is, me and every other resident of the Hobson's Bay municipal area.  While I  paid for entry and went to get changed, the fine people of Altona, with memberships in hand and bathing caps and goggles already on, sped in to take over the entire pool.  

By the time I slipped into the slowest of the slow lanes there was already someone there making waves.  After being overtaken twice a few kids got in, clearly underestimating their youthful speed.  That was it for me.  I was done.

So 6 laps it was today.  But that is okay.  I made the time and found a way to meet my commitment to swimming this March.  I'm proud of me today.
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Yesterday
Yesterday we were gentle with ourselves.  I swam my laps in the morning.  Later in the day the three of us went to buy some trees to plant this Autumn.  

For dinner Darren and I had Butter Chicken from Babaji's.  This was absolutely Elizabeth's favourite meal.  With my Mum growing up in Vellore in the Southern Indian state of Tamil Nadu, I couldn't believe it when my very own South Indian restaurant opened here in my patch.  But now, more and more, I will go back for the butter chicken as well.  Because Elizabeth's favourite meal wasn't any old Butter Chicken - it definitely had to be Babaji's.   

Paul, however is not a chicken fan.  Paul had the second go-to for takeaway - pizza.  The last time I ordered pizza was shortly before we lost Elizabeth.  It sticks in my mind, because the last time we ordered pizza their supplier had changed and their shredded ham now had an allergen statement for gluten.  Elizabeth's pizza had to have shaved ham.  Some may prefer that, but living with coeliac disease, Elizabeth didn't have that choice.  I remember making a case for finding a supplier that provided gluten free shredded ham.  I don't know whether they did.  I also remember helplessly apologising to Elizabeth.  I knew that once again she was looking forward to a treat only to be faced with having to compromise when the rest of us didn't have to.  She would always insist it was ok.  I always knew it wasn't. 

The part of yesterday that will really stick with me was when Darren and I stopped in at the pool in the afternoon.  The Venturers and Scouts gathered for Elizabeth's Birthday.  We weren't there for a long time.  From what I hear, between downing sausages, there was a determination to just keep swimming.  Some swam 17 laps, some 1.7km and some 117 laps. There were incredibly strong swimmers and those entering the water for the first time in ages, overcoming doubt and health issues to give it a go.  Such an amazing sense of community and support.

Amongst all this I met, for the first time, two of Elizabeth's closest school friends. I don't really know a lot about Elizabeth's time at Upwey High School.  There is a handful of names that would come up.  Meeting these girls was so unexpected.  I do know they meant so much to Elizabeth.  And to learn what she meant to them...  To hug them... and not want to let go... It was a lot...  It is both everything and so, so hard.  Every little story I hear,  kindnesses, people with her photo on their shelf, by their bed, the importance she played in their life - it fills in blanks, it makes my heart swell with pride - and simultaneously become so much harder to understand why we don't have her anymore.
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17 years - 17 laps
... It's just that half a lap that you didn't take yourself...
... the quiet...
It was a quiet morning in the pool and my mind was still.  The laps came easily.  I slipped into the water, swam and slipped out again.

Tomorrow is Elizabeth's 17th Birthday.  


*****
Tomorrow some of the Venturers are gathering at Belgrave pool from 1pm.  Some may swim laps but it is a no pressure gathering with some low key fundraising on the side.  If you happen to be there with some loose change I'm sure someone would dive in to retrieve it from the bottom of the pool to add to our fundraising total.  It should be a lovely afternoon to be at the pool.  I will probably be there at some point but, given the nature of the day, I'm not making commitments and will be quite happy to go under the radar.
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This morning my cup is full
I was wary about swimming this morning.  I thought it would be cold, but I had plans to meet up with Carolyn and Anna.  I dived in and by half way through the first lap the water was beautiful - embracing me as a familiar friend.  Two laps in and I realised that the freestyler that sharing my lane, and occasionally copping my clumsy breaststroke limbs, was actually another friend, Laurelle.

And so there we were, four women who all share parenting as a journey, swimming, talking, sharing and supporting each other as the sun danced on the morning water as if nothing else mattered.

Between talking the swimming was different.  My mind was on friendship rather than stroke, feeling connected rather than judged.  It came much more easily.  The silly thing is that the idea of meeting up for a swim actually gave me anxiety.  Allowing it to happen was so enriching.  

I swam 14 laps - most of which were breaststroke.  The last couple I found myself in a relaxed space in which I felt safe to grab a kick board and work on my freestyle stroke.  I would like to do more of that.

Shout out to Laurelle who is part of our team (check out her page).  Her workplace has a 'Cooks table'.  People bring in baked goods to share in return for a donation to the organisation's charity of the month.  This month, Laps for Life is being supported.  Laurelle remarked upon the warmth and encouragement she has received as a result of sharing her motivation with colleagues.  She is also keen to point out that if swimming isn't your thing, there are other ways to bring people along on this journey.

In working to help young people we are also supporting each other.  We are starting conversations, finding connection and growing as a result.
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I've got muscles!
I had the best intentions today of getting straight to the pool after school drop off.  I wanted to get the swimming out of the way to leave a clear day.  But you know what? Grief is exhausting.  If life wasn't already exhausting enough, this is a whole other layer.  I fell asleep and didn't wake until after 1pm.

When I got to the pool this afternoon, Persephone and Saartje were already there.  These are two of Elizabeth's closest friends from Venturers.  They, along with Lylah are the youth members of team, Swim for Elizabeth.  Scroll down my page to find links to their pages and give them some support.  

To be fair - Persephone was one of the lap swimmers when I was at the pool yesterday.  She was completely in the zone and smashed out 101 laps of the 33m pool.  Swimming is definitely something that Elizabeth had in common with Persephone.

Today I did another 10 laps.  After one lap of yet more tortured freestyle, I opted for my self-styled, ramshackle breast stroke.  

My swimming lessons never got past doggy paddle, freestyle and backstroke. However, I liked to think that I had watched enough lessons to know that the kick involved some sort of bending the knees in with ankles together and releasing the whole lot in some kind of semi-controlled thrust.  At the pool I would give it a crack and look to Elizabeth for validation only to receive more of an eyeroll, yeah-nah...

The breast stroke was hacked together, inconsistent and lacking any rhythm - and yet still much gentler.  So, that was a win.  I would change what I was doing half way through a lap, or sometimes every stroke.  'Hey - look what happens if I don't breathe every stroke - my torso is popping right up... ooh, I wonder what happens if I do this with my hands?'  - yeah - completely scattered.

Doing breaststroke I spent more time with my biceps in my peripheral vision.  With the distortion of the water and my goggles, for a good half a lap, all I could think was, 'I've got muscles!' (best heard in a bragging 4 year old voice).
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Today was hard
I made the mistake today, of trying to do two things outside of my bubble. I burnt through energy I didn't have and probably achieved nothing for it. Sometimes you have to try, have to advocate, have to burn through your last reserves.  Sometimes you have to risk falling on your face so that you can live with yourself.  Maybe it will move the dial in the smallest of ways.

I swam 10 laps today.  A mild afternoon with only 3 others at the pool swimming laps.  It was quiet.  There weren't conversations or distractions.  Just me and my thoughts.  It was hard.  It didn't feel right.  I shouldn't even need to be doing this.  I felt awkward in the water.  I tried to focus on the way the water felt on my skin. Notice the boundary between air and water.  I do love being in the water.  I stopped between each lap to catch my breath.  I didn't enjoy it.  After 10 laps I slipped out of the lap lanes and floated.  Tried to pretend for a little while that this isn't real.  Tried to disappear in the gentle up and down of the water.
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How many laps? Couldn't tell you...

When I was trying to wedge myself into doing this, I contacted Paul Sadler Swimland in Rowville where Elizabeth had learnt to swim since kinder.  The swim school didn’t know we had lost Elizabeth.  She had intended to keep up lessons there for the first half of last year until she was due to start Surf Lifesaving through school and the Woolamai Beach Surf Lifesaving Club.   Unfortunately her swimming journey ended before that could happen as she sought to hide the physical scars of her internal struggle.


When I emailed, I don’t know what I was really looking for except, perhaps, for something that would make me follow through and stick with this journey.  I explained Elizabeth’s struggles.  I related my vulnerability and hesitation.  In no more than half an hour a response came.  The response was warm, caring and heartfelt.  Absolutely they would support me in this journey.  I was taken aback by the rapid, unqualified and complete embracing of me and what I was doing.

So today I swam at @Paul Sadler Swimland Rowville.  I slunk in as one lesson ended, and had an empty pool for 45 min before a swarm of preppies came in to do their thing.  My very own personal swimming lesson.  My main tips were to scoop my hands and slow down my arms.  As the first arm comes down to the surface of the water, wait until the second arm comes over before scooping the first arm downward.  I understood immediately.  For years I had watched kids with their kick boards releasing one hand, bringing the arm all the way around and then doing the same with the other hand.  Could I translate that into my reality?  I could not.  My brain could not work out when and how to breathe while also changing my arms.  Maybe one day I’ll get out a kick board and go back to basics like kids learning freestyle for the first time.  I gave it a go, gave up and went back to inefficient windmill arms…. Given I couldn’t breathe and modify my stroke - lap counting definitely eluded me.  I definitely did 9 laps.  I might have done 11.  I’ve logged 9.  I’m happy with that.

I think Elizabeth would have found the sight of me getting into the pool at Paul Sadler quite hilarious.  There I was, having my own ‘Proud Moment’.  It could only have been funnier if I had stood on the side of the pool in swim safer week and sung the swim safe song complete with actions…

A shout out to Belgravia Leisure who have given our team members free entry to Belgrave and Monbulk pools during March.  Thanks Carolyn for organising this.  I am taking my pool fee savings and using them to sponsor the youth members of team, Swim for Elizabeth.  After all - this is for them.  Laps for Life raises money to support our youth.  Our team members have lost a dear friend.  What better way to support these incredible teens than by contributing to their fundraising efforts? 
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Kick off
So day one is under my belt.  I can't remember the last time I swam without Elizabeth.  For the last 17 years, swimming has been a family activity.  And I'm pretty sure the last time that happened was years ago (more about that day in a future post).  

I have to say my first lap was harder than I thought it would be.  I got to the end, put my arms on the edge of the pool, sunk my head in them and cried.  My heart was racing, my muscles all felt it and the lack of coordination that smarts when a lap used not to be a big deal.  What was I doing? how would I get through a whole month? And all I really want is my girl.  

One more lap, and I felt pretty much the same.  But I reminded myself you are all behind me.  I reminded myself that I have a deliberately low km goal so that all I really need to do is turn up.  I managed the next two laps and with that I had technically reached my current daily goal.

With the pressure off I sat in the water for a bit.  And this is where the champion pictured comes in.  Actually to be fair Carolyn comes in a lot earlier.  Carolyn is our team captain.  It was Carolyn that posted 'Laps for Life' to the Venturers chat page.  The suggestion sat there for weeks with zero pressure.  It resonated.  It played on my mind.  I couldn't quite forget about it.  All Carolyn needed was a hint in order to spring into action

So a bit more about Carolyn.  Carolyn is a parent helper at the kids' scout group.  She is a parent helper who hasn't had a child at scouts for years.  Still, she shows up.  She is there on hikes.  She comes up with all sorts of activities.  She engages in person and with initiatives like Laps for Life where she looks for ways for the youth to get involved in whatever capacity they can.  

And you know what - she was the first person to notice the first signs that things could be heading down a different pathway for Elizabeth.  Carolyn is there keeping an eye on our kids and supporting them any way she can.

I spoke at Elizabeth's funeral about how phenomenal scouting is for our youth.  Carolyn is definitely part of the secret sauce of scouting.

So what magic did Carolyn perform after my 4 laps.  The magic of being there by my side.  As she smashed out laps, I stopped every one to two laps and at various times we would just talk.  Sometimes that is all it takes.

Somehow the laps actually got easier.  My body was like, oh yeah, we've done this before - even if the muscles are fatigued.  I managed 15 laps!  I am somewhat surprised.  There is a part of me that wants to jump in and revise up my km goal - especially after the incredible support you are all giving me.  But - I am reminding myself to go gently.  There is time for cultivating ambition.  This is only day one.

What an amazing start.  One day at a time.  Thanks everyone.  Thanks Carolyn.  Check out Carolyn's page and giver her some love.
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Tomorrow it starts
I am not okay.  That is an uncomfortable thing to say when I know how carefully people are looking for signs that I am.

Today I headed off with 3 close friends to the Mornington peninsula on a beautiful day to walk to Bushrangers Bay, enjoy company, splash in rock pools, and enjoy being out in the natural world.  It should have been ideal.  Instead, I had to get Darren to pick me up and bring me home when after just the trip their I was overwhelmed by conversation, by the ordinary details of everyone's lives, the happy, the difficult and the ordinary.  It was all a lot. 

That is why this is important for my health personally.  I will get out and do one thing each day that achieves something.  I can do it by myself or with others - but without the pressure to 'be social'.

As much as things are difficult for me, I am learning each day how many people are grappling with the loss of Elizabeth.  The ripple of her life is felt in corners that I didn't even know existed.  Her loss has impacted family, friends, class mates and teachers.  People who knew her well, people who hardly knew her at all.  Some people knew her from a distance - would see her standing at the bus stop each day, and now she isn't there. 

The amazing thing about Laps for Life is that YOU are providing options to the youth in Elizabeth's world, and to all youth out there. 

I am astounded that within the first 48 hours of sharing my page I have had to increase my fundraising goal 3 times!  I am overwhelmed with gratitude and support.   If you check out the bottom of my page you will see my team members.  These people are people with whom I have shared my parenting journey and some of Elizabeth's closest friends.  It would be amazing if you could throw some love their way.

Tomorrow it starts!  Wish me luck!  Wish us all luck!

My Team

Swim for Elizabeth

Beccy Blias

Raised so far:

$219.09

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Swim for Elizabeth

Persephone Dupanloup

Raised so far:

$925.59

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Swim for Elizabeth

Kristen Parer

Raised so far:

$8,650.77

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Swim for Elizabeth

Carolyn B (C)

Raised so far:

$391.73

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Swim for Elizabeth

Laurelle Keough

Raised so far:

$969.47

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Swim for Elizabeth

Saartje Cornell

Raised so far:

$181.19

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Swim for Elizabeth

Lylah Weir

Raised so far:

$550.46

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Swim for Elizabeth

Laetitia Gerard

Raised so far:

$865.34

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Swim for Elizabeth

Alice Hayllar

Raised so far:

$296.25

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Swim for Elizabeth

Paul Parer

Raised so far:

$187.90

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Swim for Elizabeth

Tamasin Kenzie

Raised so far:

$316.62

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Swim for Elizabeth

Emily Dean

Raised so far:

$750.45

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Swim for Elizabeth

Marley Warham

Raised so far:

$88.88

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Swim for Elizabeth

April Vautier

Raised so far:

$536.99

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Swim for Elizabeth

Jayden Regan

Raised so far:

$641.79

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Swim for Elizabeth

Celia Brissenden

Raised so far:

$1,353.26

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My Gallery

Thank you to my
supporters

$527.50

Kath T

$500

Jarrad Goldberg

$318.61

Anonymous

$316.50

Lynelle Osburn

Thanks for sending the email. Thanks for doing this. Thanks for being so brave and courageous.

$263.75

Leanne Fraser

Every stroke makes a difference. Swim strong. Remembered xx

$263.75

Chandran

So proud of you!!! Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

$258.48

PsycheLife

Love to you and your family x

$258.48

Catherine

I've been close enough to feel the fear x 2 kids. I also remember Elizabeth's smile.

$245

Jane Fisher

Love that you are swimming in honour of Elizabeth.

$245

Kristen Parer

$245

Matched by 7-Eleven

$245

Casey Dalbo

A beautiful way to honour Elizabeth. All the best as you strengthen your body and heart... whether your laps be just as cruisy, or you lap her multiple times. ❤️

$245

Sylvie

What a meaningful way to honour Elizabeth while caring for yourself, too. I’m thinking of you.

$211

Ray and Glenda de Jager

We are happy to support you in this. We will follow your progress with great interest. We send our love and best wishes to you, Darren and Paul

$211

Barbara B

With oceans of love for all of you - Elizabeth, Kristen, Darren and Paul. I hope this is a gentle and supporting venture for you as you remember and honour Elizabeth.

$211

Family Callow

Love to you all.

$211

Annette

$158.25

Byfords

Keep going Kristen xxx We were so amazed when Elizabeth swam 10K. Love for her, for you, for Paul and Darren and all her family, Martin, Robbie and Siobhan xxx

$158.25

Tracey Johnston

Thinking of you, Elizabeth and your family. Take care during this difficult time x

$135.04

Jen Ellison

I remember Elizabeth’s smile and gentle nature when she was one of our dedicated Platypus Ambassadors. The work she did then has had a lasting impact on both me and the environment. I hope this helps to honour her.

$135.04

Asha and Merrilyn Roberts

❤️

$135.04

Lynda Carney

Very proud of you Kristen, not sure I would have been able to do this. Sending good thoughts from Tuena xxxc

$135.04

Rose

I can't swim very well, but I will be there in spirit cheering you on every day.

$135.04

Dane B

In memory of Elizabeth. Sending you lots of love and support.

$106.12

Paula T

Helping others and helping yourself at the same time, whilst being in Elizabeth’s happy place. A great idea, Kristen

$106.12

Lucy Moore

Thinking of you and Elizabeth as you swim laps this month

$106.12

Kim Asher

💙💙💙💙

$106.12

Maureen and Michael

In memory of Elizabeth x

$106.12

Naomi

$106.12

Kirsten Boxall

In memory of Elizabeth, who loved Showtime too.

$106.12

Michael and Sarah-Jane

$100

Catherine and Aaron Carney

We are right behind you Kristen in honouring your beautiful Elizabeth, raising awareness and funds to help and support our youth, and taking an important step for your own healing.

$100

Rachael Vautier

So proud of you and happy to see how much your community is getting behind you xxx

$94.86

Natasha Kovalenko

For much love and strength to you and in honour of Elizabeth.

$94.86

Paul and Frances Parer

Keep going Kristen, you're going well and we are proud of you.

$94.86

Bronwyn Kearney

hugs

$78.26

Anonymous

I’m so glad you decided to do this. I hope it brings you even just an ounce of relief from your pain. I wish I was able to join you in the pool too. I love you.

$64.67

Grace

$64.67

Tania Sheko

$60.46

Paul and Frances Parer

Keep going Kristen, you are an inspiration to the rest of us.

$60

Mike Banning

Elizabeth would be proud of you for doing this Kristen. Such a worthwhile cause.

$56.24

Cinnamon

You’re doing an amazing job. Much love to you all xx

$56.24

AndrewH

You are an inspiration, Kristen!

$56.24

Anonymous

$56.24

AndrewH

$56.24

Nicole

$56.24

Charlotte

Thank you for doing this. And thank you for doing this for your sister.

$56.24

KarenS

$56.24

Kate Strikker

I can't swim well enough to join you, but I can cheer you on.

$54.99

Kaylene Hunter

I can't find the right words, but I want you to know that I think of you and your Elizabeth all the time. I hope the pool gives you some sense of strength and connects you to your beautiful girl.

$54.99

Hudson family

With love always.

$54.12

Vicky P

I’m a neighbour of Barbara’s and really want to support you.

$54.12

Ani

Go Kristen!

$54.12

Kevin and Linda Bohan

Thinking of you

$54.12

Scott Webber

$52.92

Wendy Clarke

Go well Kristen, keep lapping and Obtain A Yield, your Permie class is right behind you!

$52

Peny Bohan

$50

Ada and Lucy

💙💙💙

$40

Elise Weller

Hi Kristen, I hope you and your family are taking care. Sending so much love to all of you today and everyday. ❤️ Happy Birthday to Elizabeth. 💜 I swam a new personal record of 30 laps today just for Elizabeth. I miss her everyday. ❤️❤️❤️

$33.15

Alex Watts

$33.15

Anonymous

$33.15

Tamara Wharton

So proud of you my beautiful friend. You are an inspiration through all of your heartache and I am so proud of what you are doing xx

$33.15

Meiki and Esko

I tried to join the team, but you have to swim every day, and I can only manage a few swims a week! Esko has started riding on my back when i swim, which is super cute. So I can manage mini laps now. We will be thinking of you. Xxx

$30

Emily Jones

$27.81

Kylie Haberl

There either aren't enough words, or too many words to express my feelings. Just sending love, and I'll be donating a little bit too as many of the team members as I can.

$25

Anonymous

$24

Gemmah Owen

Sending loving energies and willing you on! 💜💫🌿

$22.58

Justin Horne

$22.58

Anonymous

$20

Anonymous

$20

Tamasin Kenzie

Keep swimming!

$20

Tracey

❤️

$11.65

Anonymous

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