Hayllie Gilbert

Swimming in my own lane

Laps for Life – Back in the Water

Back into the pool today after a little R&R for the body.

To think that in week one I’ve already clocked 9km of my 15km goal.

As I followed the lane ropes today, my mind started racing.

I began comparing myself to the swimmers around me.

Did I just get lapped?

Their stroke looks so much smoother than mine.

I wonder what lap they’re up to.

Then the noise from home crept in.

The comparisons I make about my parenting.

Am I doing enough? Am I good enough? Should I be doing more?

I replayed moments from the weekend — normal childhood boundary pushing — questioning myself. Did I respond the right way? Could I have done something differently?

Then the grief followed close behind. The reality that our beautiful girls will soon be heading back to WA to be with family.

There are so many things to do to prepare them. So many adventures I want to fit in before they go — giving them every chance to shine like the glowing constellations they are.

Cherishing every hug, every kiss, every precious moment… while quietly knowing that those moments are getting closer to goodbye.

And yet I still have to stay strong. I have to keep showing up for them, even as my own heart prepares for the loss.

Today felt like the day everything I had neatly compartmentalised finally rose to the surface.

Then, somewhere between strokes, I stopped and asked myself:

Why am I getting worked up over things that

I have no control over

Have already happened and can’t be changed

Haven’t even happened yet?

As my mind raced through these thoughts today, another question surfaced.

If this is what runs through my mind — the comparisons, the doubts, the constant questioning — what must it feel like for young people who are still learning who they are?

How heavy must that noise feel when you don’t yet have the tools or support to quiet it?

That’s why I keep swimming.

So I brought myself back to the moment.

To the here and now.

I realised I can take lessons from experiences, reflect on them, and grow from them. I can learn how to respond when I’ve asked for something for the 700th time, or when every little hiccup suddenly becomes my problem to solve.

And then another thought came.

Maybe this doesn’t mean I’m failing.

Maybe it means I’m their safe place.

Yes, they push my boundaries. But not because they’re little troublemakers or because they should “know better”.

They do it because they’re learning.

Because they feel safe enough to be their whole selves — without having to hold everything in.

Somewhere in that realisation, I stopped comparing myself.

To other mums.

To other swimmers in their lanes.

And that’s when it hit me.

We are all swimming in our own lane.

Each of us shaped by what we’ve seen, what we’ve lived, what we’ve carried. Everyone walking their own journey.

Who am I to judge others… when I judge myself so harshly?

With that realisation, the noise quietened.

The comparisons faded.

The feeling of “not being enough” drifted away in my backwash with every lap.

20 laps.

40 laps.

60 laps.

My body felt lighter. My mind clearer.

What felt like a mountain when I got in the pool had become nothing more than a pebble in the constantly flowing stream of life.

I swim so young people know they are never alone.

I swim so services like ReachOut continue to exist when a young person needs help.

I swim so that when the noise becomes too loud, there is somewhere safe to turn.

If you’d like to support youth mental health, you can donate through my Laps for Life page. Every lap helps keep these services available for the young people who need them most.

Still water. Strong mind.